Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Publicist: The glass looks amazing. Everyone loved it. Really great.
— Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) January 22, 2016
[crime show] DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been.. *Flintstones theme song plays* Murdered
— joe (@sad_tree) June 24, 2015
How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) October 2, 2015
Martin omalley you got a children's book ass name. You sound like the mailman in a town where everyone's a bear
— Breakfast Haver (@weedguy420boner) January 17, 2016
ted cruz looks like he jokingly pulled a pantyhose over his head too many times and it permanently deformed his face pic.twitter.com/F9jwfh3Pua
— Julia (@orientdistress) December 16, 2015
Look, I'm an adult, so when I say my tum-tum has moved to owietown, I fucking mean it.
— sweaty mercury (@johnbiehl) January 22, 2016
The hardest part about making a loaf of bread is getting the slices to stay stuck together.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) January 19, 2016
I think if you find a fork in the road, you should look around for some pancakes.
— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) January 19, 2016
trying to be healthy in the new year pic.twitter.com/lq2lieuyNp
— Jingle Spels (@GraceSpelman) January 19, 2016
i like my women curvy. lots and lots of curves. all curves. circular. fried. onion-filled. onion rings i like onion rings
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) August 7, 2013
[at parent/teacher meeting] Wife: *whispers* pls don't say anything stupid to embarrass us Me: *not listening* my son invented cauliflowers
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) January 14, 2016
DAD: u like Wendy's? ME: huh? DAD: When DEEZ NUTS SLAP U IN THE MOUTH MOM: GET REKT NERD *dunks on me so hard*
— arcticLedge (@MarlonBrandNO) January 21, 2016
Millennials are so easily offended. Like I went up to one and yelled NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU and he cried? Millennials are aged 4-10 right
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) January 17, 2016
nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 22, 2016
[Lovin’ Spoonful concert, 1965] ?Do you believe in magic?? 7-year-old Neil deGrasse Tyson: NO
— Ziggy Sawdust (@therealeatwood) January 2, 2016
There is nothing in the universe louder than a phone vibrating on silent.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 8, 2016
[job interview] "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" "I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 12, 2014
when your girlfriend breaks up with you but still uses your netflix pic.twitter.com/fnzZKqTcTh
— ben taylor (@coolknifeguy) January 22, 2016
they say do what makes you happy with the people who you like which is why I like to do nothing with nobody
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) January 22, 2016
Amber is tired Amber drink Red Bull Amber alert
— Kinda Regular Fred (@RegularFred) October 30, 2015
Wanna feel old? Make comparative judgments based on how long you’ve been alive versus how long younger people have been alive. Wild.
— Night Vale podcast (@NightValeRadio) January 22, 2016
[at dinosaur school] Teacher: some dinosaurs had- Me: how big were their dicks? Teacher: don't interrupt me. Some dinosaurs had huge dicks
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 22, 2016
Smoke all my weed once fool me once Smoke all my weed twice fool me twice Smoke all my weed three times fool me 3 times
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 21, 2016
Snake 1: Hiss Snake 2: I think you've got a puncture, dude.
— Paul (@bingowings14) January 20, 2016
[at Starbucks] barista: I have an order for Beetlejuice?…Beetlejuice? Beetlejuice: [whispers] come on, say it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 16, 2016